A Most Ridiculous Struggle Everybody Goes Through

It seems like there is a part of most people’s minds that relish in the idea of making one feel terrible.

The other day as I was meditating in the morning, My mind started telling me things like “you’re being so lazy right now,” or “why aren’t you doing something right now more productive?” And so for maybe the next 15 minutes I had to move through this whole struggle with my mind. And this is just in the morning of one day, some days it’s worse, some days it’s almost nonexistent. On the days it gets worse, sometimes these thoughts freeze me and I am unable to do almost anything, and other times I am able to move through but very slowly and the whole day feels like I’ve been sparring with the hyperkinetic half-rabbit half-kangaroo.

But in this whole struggle one thought keeps coming back to me, it keeps bringing me back to some sort of quiet light,

“What is stopping me from being happy in this moment right now?” 

I know there are other people who have this same struggle. And as I continue to develop and evolve as a person, I am seeing the struggle as being more and more ridiculous every day. Now I’ve had debates with other people about it being necessary to feel all in emotions and feelings, because they are true (though sometimes we do misinterpret what those feelings & emotions are). But by the same token, this mind struggle I think sometimes goes beyond simply feeling and moving through. What is this struggle really?

If you were to ask my father how his day was going, he would probably say something like, “Well every day is a struggle.” I find this to be a little disingenuous. Now, most of you probably don’t know my father or the history to put this quote into context. But I can put this in perspective very easily. Ten to twelve years ago my family was having trouble paying the utility bills on a regular basis. We couldn’t even afford to turn on the heating and air conditioning in our house. I think that might (might) be considered a struggle. The other day, a printer began to malfunction, and instead of taking time to see what the problem was and if it could be fixed, my father simply decided to buy a new printer.

The point I’m getting at is this; for most of us who have these mental struggles, it is a luxury. There are people in the world who have to worry about getting their next meal for who knows how long. There are people in this world to have to decide which of their children will live through the evening.

And when I think about that, and the question of “What is stopping me from being happy in this moment right now?” I think has a lot more perspective.

I’m not mentioning these things in order to belittle or discount anyone’s struggle, nor am I saying that having a hard time moving through various feelings and emotions is easy. I just want to point out that many of us have the luxury of being able to take part in this ridiculous struggle. Because it is ridiculous, and yet there is this part in many of our minds that is just yearning to bring us down. And sometimes, this part of our minds wears us down so much that we start to believe these things, and then, depending on how much our minds have worn us down, maybe we may even start to look for ways to prove to ourselves that’s what our mind is saying is true, which is even more ridiculous!

I don’t fully understand  why this is even a thing within myself and other people. Science would say that we are program to remember unpleasant memories first because of our evolutionary growth, but how can that be proven? Other schools of thought might bring in a variety of religious and spiritual overtones which I don’t care to get into it because then we would be here for a month and more.

I’ve noticed that part of this goes back to us, in that many of us I think also struggle with a certain amount of self-confidence that perpetuates this whole ridiculous struggle. It feels like part of this struggle involves us having to convince ourselves that we are in fact NOT “lazy idiotic shit heads (or some variation of whatever our mind is disparaging us about on any given day).” And how ridiculous is it that our minds have essentially set up this obstacle course for us to prove to ourselves we are not these disparaging thoughts?

Again, I’m not not mentioning these things in order to belittle or discount anyone’s struggle, nor am I saying that having a hard time moving through various feelings and emotions is easy. I just want to point out that many of us have the luxury of being able to take part in this ridiculous struggle.

Whenever this dark mind chatter comes around, ask yourself, “What is stopping me from being happy in this moment right now?” Should you receive no reply, that might be an answer. But if you do receive a reply, I urge that you continue asking yourself questions so that you may discover the root of these frustrations.

May we venture well into thought.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Hard to Tell | Thoughts After Meditation

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